


Heartbreak-Resistant

by lipsoulves



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F, Roommates, Some angst, Unrequited Love, but she can’t have her, jungeun loves sooyoung, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 06:43:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20523662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lipsoulves/pseuds/lipsoulves
Summary: And in a way she thinks that maybe she can live with it, because she’s heartbreak-resistant, because no matter how many times she gets hurt she’ll always get back up and run after Sooyoung the moment she calls, and sooner or later she’ll get bored of her and give her boyfriend her full attention, and she’ll have to live with it. After all she’s used to it, after all this is how things are always going to be.





	Heartbreak-Resistant

(...)

Jungeun doesn’t hate her roommate.

She just hates the way her cute bunny teeth show when she smiles, she hates the way her eyes sparkle mischievously when she has one of her crazy 4am ideas again, she hates the way she always knows how to make her laugh even when she feels like she never wants to laugh again, she hates the way she can talk to her all night long without ever getting tired, but most of all she hates the way she’s dating someone that isn’t her.

Now that someone is not even all that bad: He’s handsome, tall, smart, funny and a genuinely good person, which is basically everything you could want in a partner, right? But the problem is he’s dating the girl of her dreams, and she hates him for that just as much as she hates the fact that Sooyoung loves him.

And she can’t lie, they’re kind of the perfect couple, because they’re kind of perfect people, and she’d tried to be happy for them, she really had.

She’d tried to be happy for them when Sooyoung had walked into their apartment at 2am after a long night out and told her she’d met a cute guy who had stolen her from her friends and taken her out of the club and to Central Park to lie in the grass and look at the stars.

She’d tried to be happy for them when she’d come back home from her part-time job one evening and found Sooyoung sitting at the dinner table drinking a cup of tea and smiling after their first date.

She’d tried to be happy for them when she’d brought him home and introduced him as her boyfriend, eyes beaming and smile so painfully bright it had almost burned her eyes.

She’d tried, because Sooyoung seemed genuinely happy for the first time ever since she’d come back from the hospital that afternoon all those months ago and told her about her dad’s cancer diagnosis with tears streaming down her face.

She’d tried, but deep down she just never managed, that feigned happiness like a smile that just didn’t quite reach her eyes, and she thinks pretending to be okay with it all has to be one of the hardest things she’s ever done, and if there was a contest for Most Heartbreak-Resistant she’d definitely win.

Because she’s gotten used to it, that daily heartbreak she suffers from whenever Sooyoung’s phone pings with a new message from him, whenever she leaves to go see him, whenever he comes over and they go to Sooyoung’s room and they forget that the walls are thin and she has to put on her headphones and turn the volume all the way up to block it out (Which happens so often she has her own bubblegum pop playlist to try and cheer her up enough so she can forget about what’s going on next door).

She’s gotten used to the heartbreak knowing Sooyoung brings with it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still sting every single time.

Because it does.

It stings so bad that even when he’s not around and it’s just the two of them she can still feel it, a constant reminder of what she can’t have, what’s right in front of her yet so far away, and it’s a weird feeling when someone makes you so happy yet so sad at the same time and they don’t even know it.

Oblivious as she is, throughout the two years that they’ve known each other Sooyoung has not once caught on, not once questioned the way she stares at her for just a little too long, the way she blushes just a little too much when she teases her with her usual playfulness, the way she touches her just a little too delicately when Sooyoung once again feels like having a cuddle session while watching some Netflix movie, cooped up in some warm blankets on their big old couch in the living room.

Not once has she mentioned that time Jungeun drunkenly kissed her more than a year ago on the rooftop at Haseul’s New Year’s Eve party at 2am, when most of their friends were inside, passed out on the floor or on the couch or throwing up in the bathroom, and the two of them had climbed up there to breathe in the cold fresh winter air and look at the occasional firework still popping up.

And she knows she still remembers, because Jungeun does, and she’d been way more drunk than her, Sooyoung just chooses to ignore it.

Maybe it’s because she thinks it didn’t mean anything, maybe she thinks it was just the alcohol getting to Jungeun and there’s no need to discuss it in the first place. Or maybe she thinks it did mean something (though not to her), so she doesn’t want to talk about it out of fear of finding out something she doesn’t want to (like the fact that Jungeun loves her).

And in her wildest dreams, it meant something to Sooyoung, too, but she pretends it didn’t happen because she’s scared, scared like Jungeun, though she doesn’t let herself think about this too often because she knows it’s pure delusion.

Either way, it doesn’t matter because Sooyoung is straight and has a boyfriend and they’re never going to be anything other than friends, and Jungeun is always just going to be admiring her from afar (and yet so close).

And in a way she thinks that maybe she can live with it, because she’s heartbreak-resistant, because no matter how many times she gets hurt she’ll always get back up and run after Sooyoung the moment she calls, and sooner or later she’ll get bored of her and give her boyfriend her full attention, and she’ll have to live with it. After all she’s used to it, after all this is how things are always going to be.

So when she’s sitting in the living room watching a show on Netflix and Sooyoung comes back from seeing her boyfriend and falls into her arms and cries her eyes out and in between sobs tells her it’s over, she doesn’t know how to feel.

Of course she hates seeing her cry, it pains her more than anything else, and she rocks her back and forth for almost an hour, telling her it’ll be alright over and over again until she’s finally calmed down enough to just lie next to her in complete silence.

And as much as she’d hated them together, she also hates the fact that her first serious relationship ever since her friend Jiwoo had introduced them two years ago, her first relationship that really made her happy is over now. She hates the thought of the sadness Sooyoung is going to feel now, not just over the breakup but also over all those other things he’d somehow managed to distract her from, all those other things she’s worried about (though she doesn’t like to show it).

But then there’s this tiny part of her, this microscopic part that feels like her heart healed just a little.

Not because she thinks Sooyoung is finally going to realize she’s actually been in love with her all along and they’re going to end up together and have their own little fairytale ending, of course she’s not insane like that.

No, she just won’t have to watch him kiss her like she wants to, touch her like she wants to, won’t have to watch Sooyoung look at him the way she wishes she’d look at her, smile at him the way she wishes she’d smile at her, and if nothing else she’s relieved.

It’s like she can breathe again, like she was trapped in a smoke-filled room and finally managed to get out, and though it’ll take a while for her friend to get over him and there’ll be other guys and it’ll never be her she’s still relieved.

(...)

After her meltdown Sooyoung disappears into her room for three whole days, and Jungeun knows her well enough to leave her alone during that time, because just like her she deals with heartbreak on her own.

She makes instant noodles for her and buys her her favorite snacks, knocks and tells her she’s going to leave them in front of the door, and each time Sooyoung exchanges them for a little piece of paper saying “Thank you”, and that’s the only sort of communication they have during those days.

When she finally walks out, she looks just like she usually does, maybe even better, her hair and makeup perfect and a cool smile on her face, and she’s Sooyoung, who can get over anything, Sooyoung, who is untouchable, Sooyoung, who is above it all.

Jungeun finds it amazing with how much easiness and vigor she’s handling this, and even though she knows that it’s all a facade, she still admires her for her strength because she can’t even imagine how terrible she must feel on the inside.

Or maybe she can, maybe she’s been going through something similar and they’re both masters of pretend, always putting on a brave smile and only allowing themselves to break down in the quiet of their dark rooms late at night, and sometimes, when it all does get too much, around each other.

But does heartbreak equal heartbreak? Is her pain the same as Sooyoung’s?

Unlike Sooyoung and him, it’s not like the two of them broke up, no, she never even got that far. Her pain is the pain of someone who has a box full of gold right in front of them but no way to open it, while Sooyoung’s is that of someone who managed to open the box but spent all the gold inside and is now left with nothing.

So is Sooyoung’s pain worse than hers? She doesn’t know, and maybe comparing something as unique and complex as pain isn’t even possible, and maybe it doesn’t matter because at the end of the day they’re both suffering in silence.

Sooyoung never talks about the breakup, just goes on, smiles like she usually does, teases her like she usually does, makes her dress up at 1am to go get food with her like she usually does, and it’s almost like it never happened at all.

Almost.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, when she wakes up to get some water and she walks past her room she can hear her quietly cry, and she imagines her burying her face in her pillow and holding herself, trying not to fall apart, and she wants to go in and hug her and tell her it’s okay to cry so badly, but she doesn’t.

She knows Sooyoung wouldn’t appreciate it, knows she’d rather cry alone all night long than embarrass herself by knocking on her door and asking her to hold her for a while (though to Jungeun that could never be embarrassing), and she respects that, wants to give her the space she needs, but it’s hard knowing the one you love is crying over the one they love and you can’t even be there for them.

(...)

A month passes and she hears her cry less and less often, and Sooyoung even starts talking about guys she met while she was out somewhere (much to Jungeun’s chagrin), and it seems like she’s really starting to get over him.

She’s happy for her, happy she’s feeling better, and she can’t lie, the selfish part of her is enjoying the undivided attention she’s getting from her now.

That part is basking in it, it needs it like a blooming flower needs water, and maybe it’s getting to her head and she’s only deceiving herself, but she thinks that they’re closer than ever now: It’s like Sooyoung is clinging to her like a leech, always around her, always trying to get her to go somewhere, do something together, and Jungeun’s somewhat of a homebody but for Sooyoung she’d get up and fly to the other side of the world if she asked her to.

They spend all their time together when they’re not at college or working, and it feels just like when they’d first moved in together, first moved to New York, and they both hadn’t known too many people yet, so their whole world was just them and their little apartment and everything was perfect.

Now it’s just them again, no boyfriend to keep them apart, and with every new day she spends going out in the city with Sooyoung or simply sitting on the couch eating ice cream and watching some dumb rom-com with her, she feels like she’s gaining all the strength back she lost when she had to endure watching her with that guy.

And sure, not being able to either be with her or get over her will always, always hurt, but maybe getting to be this close to her again is enough to distract her from her heartbreak, enough to make her believe she can live with it.

(...)

At night, Sooyoung comes crawling into her bed like she used to back when they only knew each other and they were never apart, and she lies next to her, her head leaned on her shoulder, and she tells her about some nice dress she saw, or about how annoying her professors are, and Jungeun listens like it’s highly important information, hanging onto every word.

She wraps her arms around her torso afterwards, cuddling into her side, and Jungeun’s heart starts beating out of her chest and she can only hope Sooyoung can’t hear with how close she is.

She falls asleep quickly, and Jungeun watches her breathe in and out peacefully, allowing herself to stroke her hair ever so carefully, and so she lies there with the girl she loves right next to her, and just like back then she can barely get any sleep because of this overwhelming feeling of closeness.

(...)

One night, when they stumble into their apartment after hours of clubbing with their friends, so drunk they can barely stand on their feet, they both fall onto the couch, and they’re lying in each other’s arms, giggling and talking nonsense only they seem to understand.

Sooyoung is practically lying on top of her, their legs entangled and her body pressed against hers, and if not for the alcohol Jungeun would be on the verge of panicking at how close they are right now.

But she’s calm.

She’s calm when Sooyoung shifts impossibly closer, placing her hand on her stomach. She’s calm when Sooyoung climbs on top of her, leaning forward so she can feel her breath against her cheek. She’s calm when Sooyoung softly presses her lips against her own, her hands reaching for her face, pulling her so close it’s almost suffocating.

Her brain is too slow for her to be shocked, and so she just does what feels natural, what feels right: She kisses her back.

She kisses her back with equally as much want, firmly wrapping her arms around her waist and holding her there, and for a while they barely move, just lie there and kiss, and to Jungeun it’s everything she’s ever dreamed of, it’s everything she’s been thinking about ever since she met Sooyoung.

It’s alcohol-induced heaven, and it feels like it’s the only thing she should ever do, the only thing that’s ever been right.

She thinks the way the other girl is touching her, the way she’s burying her hands in her hair, the way she’s grabbing her thigh is something that can’t possibly be real within their dimension, it’s something out of this world.

When Sooyoung starts tugging on her shirt, slowly pulling it all the way up and over her head and then carelessly throwing it somewhere into the room, she feels something deep inside of her coil, something that has been aching and begging for this for two whole years and is now finally coming undone.

It overtakes her, the feeling all-consuming and stronger than anything she’s ever felt, and it makes her reach forward and tear Sooyoung’s blouse off in one quick movement, and the girl stares at her for a second, smiling at her sudden boldness before leaning forward to kiss her again, lips brushing together and tongues touching, and the feeling is driving her crazy.

She wants more, more of this, more of Sooyoung and so she pushes her up so she’s sitting on her lap and unclasps her bra, hands roaming over her breasts hungrily. Sooyoung leans her head back and she moves up to kiss her neck, eliciting a soft groan from her, and she does it again and again, eager to hear this prettiest of all sounds, this single note that is part of a symphony of pure intoxication, entangled bodies and finally unleashed desire.

Not too long after they’re both naked, and Jungeun is in absolute awe of Sooyoung’s body, can’t stop pausing to look it up and down, and she’s a sculpture, a piece of art, and now she gets to look at it, gets to touch it, and she’s the luckiest person alive.

It feels like a dream when Sooyoung kisses down her entire body, from her lips to her neck to her stomach and then finally in between her thighs, and she doesn’t know how long it takes for her body to start jolting, almost flying off the couch, but she’s in a haze, and everything seems so unreal yet so crystal clear.

At some point her fingers are inside of Sooyoung, pumping in and out quickly, and she’s watching them in awe as if it’s the first time she’s doing this. And it’s not, she’s done it many times before, but it’s so different from all those times, so unlike anything she’s ever experienced, to have her lying in front of her like that, with her eyes closed and her mouth slightly open, her hair all messed up, and it’s the most beautiful sight her eyes have ever had the pleasure of seeing.

(...)

It’s already morning when they collapse on top of each other, bodies sweaty and chests heaving, trying to come up for air, and they’re lying there just like they were hours ago, before any of the miracle that happened right there on that sofa.

Jungeun’s intoxicated in every sense of the word, and her eyelids are heavy with fatigue and drunkenness, and when she faces Sooyoung her eyes are already fluttering shut, though there’s a soft smile on her face.

She reaches forward to caress her cheek, and slowly the girl grabs her hand, intertwining their fingers, and so they lie there holding hands, and the sun’s rising, gentle light coming in from the windows and illuminating their naked bodies, and the last thing she sees before her eyes close is Sooyoung’s smile, warm and tender and all hers.

(...)

They never talk about it, neither of them daring to mention what had happened that night, and Jungeun hadn’t expected anything to come out of it anyway (not that she’d really been in the state to expect anything when it happened), but it still feels weird, uncompleted, like whatever was in the air that night is still there, waiting for them to move onto part two, the part where they decide what’s next.

She knows Sooyoung still remembers, she knows because she looks at her differently now, like she’s someone else, and she touches her less and more carefully, like she’s scared it might happen again if her hands stay on hers for too long, and it feels weird.

It feels weird because it was all Jungeun had ever wanted and more, but now she regrets it and that is something she never saw herself doing, not in any of her dreams or middle of class fantasies.

All of a sudden they’ve drifted apart, and they’ve never been as distant as they are now, and more than ever Sooyoung is so close yet so far away, and she hates it.

She tries her best to move on, pretend it never happened, pretend it doesn’t change anything, but they both know it does. They both know that they’ve crossed a line and they can’t step back anymore, as much as they want to. They’re not just friends anymore, no matter what they try to tell themselves.

(...)

Weeks pass, and Jungeun spends every single second wracking her brain trying to decide what to do, because she can live with never having Sooyoung and at least getting to be her friend, but she can’t live with having Sooyoung once and everything changing, their perfect little bubble bursting just like that.

She knows she can’t tell her how much it all really meant to her, because of course Sooyoung doesn’t feel the same way, of course it was just the alcohol or the fact that she needed affection or literally anything else, and though she’s always known she doesn’t have those feelings for her, though she’s heartbreak-resistant, she doesn’t think she’d survive hearing it out loud.

What she also knows is that as much as they don’t want to, they have to talk about it if they ever want things to go back to normal, because they’re clearly not succeeding at achieving that by ignoring it.

(...)

So one Friday afternoon after her classes are over, she’s sitting in the living room trying to focus on the show she’s watching, waiting for Sooyoung to come back from meeting some friend for coffee so they can talk.

She wants to talk about that night, wants to tell her that they should just see it as a one-time thing that the alcohol is to blame for, that she doesn’t want it to get in their way of their friendship, that she misses the way things used to be.

She wants to tell her all that and smile while she does it, smile while she pretends Sooyoung is just a friend to her, smile when she agrees and says it was all the alcohol even though it stings, smile until it’s all okay again and she’s back to admiring her from that damn close distance that’s going to kill her one day.

She waits and waits, watches episode after episode, but Sooyoung doesn’t come. She should’ve arrived almost two hours ago, and Jungeun figures she got caught up, because that happens a lot with her, there’s always something else she has to do or someone else she has to see, and she’s used to that.

She can wait.

(...)

It’s almost midnight when she hears the door open, and she’s in the kitchen making tea, but when she hears it she almost drops her cup.

It’s his voice, gentle but firm, telling her he had a great night and wishing her sweet dreams, and she giggles softly, and then she whispers something she can’t hear, and she can hear them kiss, and she wants to throw up.

Slowly, she steps out of the kitchen and makes her way to the door, and she sees them hugging, neither of them noticing her at first. She watches them for a moment, and she feels her heart sink down to her stomach, and this is everything she hadn’t expected, everything she’d secretly feared, and she wants to run back into the safety of the kitchen, pretend she didn’t see them, pretend it isn’t real.

She doesn’t even know why this upsets her so much, after all he’s great for her, she’s happy with him, and shouldn’t she have been rooting for them, for Sooyoung’s happiness?

Deep inside of her, something is in flames, it’s burning to ashes, and it’s the part of her that she hates the most.

It’s the part of her that’d had hope.

The part of her that’d thought that maybe, just maybe Sooyoung would have interrupted her great monologue about how they were drunk and they’re friends and it doesn’t mean anything, that she would have said that it did mean something, that they’re not just friends.

The part of her that brings her all this heartbreak, that always tears open all the wounds that she thought had healed, the part of her that makes her only 99.99% heartbreak-resistant.

She stares at them, can’t will herself to move, and then he notices her and lets go of Sooyoung, smiling in her direction.

Sooyoung turns around and the look she gives her only lasts mere seconds, but it tells her everything she needs to know.

It’s apologetic, pitying almost, and it’s like she’s saying that she’s sorry things turned out this way, that she chose him over her, and was there ever even a decision to make?

She gulps and forces herself to smile back at the two of them, holding up her hand for a moment, and then, feisty as he is, he almost screams the words, and each one feels like a kick in the stomach, and even though she’d known immediately she feels like she has to hold onto something so she doesn’t fall to the ground.

”We’re back together, Jungeun.”

**Author's Note:**

> just a lil something i came up with the other day, enjoy x


End file.
